Some people wear turtlenecks because they don’t own scarves. Some people wear turtlenecks because they are about to engage in a modern dance presentation or they’re mimes. For some people, it’s a comfort thing. For others, their mothers told them to. Some people wear turtlenecks because its laundry day and all they have left is Aunt Marie’s Christmas present from two years ago. Some people wear turtlenecks because tomorrow morning, they will lower themselves into a supped-up Chevrolet and race around a track a ridiculous amount of times, though not many people wear them for this reason. It’s never wise to make fun of someone’s turtleneck. It could be hiding a scar and ex-boyfriend gave her one night with a paring knife when he came home sweating whiskey. Some people have a strange connection to their turtlenecks. A few have been to counseling. The large majority of turtleneck wearers are females between the ages of 45 and 60, half of which can be found, at this moment, sipping espresso in a coffee shop or felling trees for a logging company. A small percentage of turtleneck-wearers are homeless. A small percentage thinks they are flattering because they shorten the neck. They make the head seem like a surprise. What else will pop out of that covering you call a shirt? Virtually none of the world’s turtlenecks are short-sleeved, unless of course, they’re homemade. Virtually all of them are either white or black. But never yellow. Eight out of ten people “in the know” would not be “caught dead” in a turtleneck. But the more I think about it, the more I want to pull on a turtleneck and feel the warmth muzzle my throat. Even if I’m bucking the system.
