My Top Ten List of Christmas Movie (#1)

1. A Christmas Story

What other Christmas movie could claim the spot? What other Christmas movie is as well-written, well-acted, timeless, funny, heartwarming and inexhaustibly entertaining? I’d even go so far as to place this movie in my all-time top 25. Its importance in our cultural heritage is without question. You almost cannot think of Christmas without thinking of the phrase, “You’ll shoot your eye out.” Perhaps its pervasiveness is illustrated by TBS’s willingness to replay the movie for 24 hours straight from Christmas Eve through Christmas Day. I am unashamed to admit that on average, I watch about 18 of those 24 hours.

It’s great because it’s so real. It doesn’t sugarcoat the holidays, and when it verges on sentimentality, it throws in something like the infamous “fudge” event or a Christmas dinner at a Chinese restaurant with a butchered version of “Deck the Halls.” There may be no truer moment than this:



Honorable Mentions:

The Bells of St. Mary: Though a tad dry and at times boring, the grade school nativity play is so cute you’ll almost wish you had a young children at home to dress up like Joseph and Mary. Almost.

The Nightmare Before Christmas: This one’s hard to categorize. Certainly, it falters on creating that whole Christmas spirit thing (unless you like your Santas deranged), and it always made me more nostalgic for Halloween. However, it is one heck of a cool movie.

The Nutcracker: This might have made the list for the music, but as I’ve never seen it, I have no idea what happens in this movie beyond that fact that I can say, with near certainty, that it involves a nutcracker of some sort. Plus, this is known more as a ballet anyway.

The Stinker Awards:

Christmas with the Cranks: There’s no better way to induce nausea over the commercialization of the holiday season than by watching this movie. When Tim Allen (a Christmas movie mainstay) decides to forego Christmas and take his wife on a cruise when his daughter announces she will not be coming home for the holidays, the neighbors go nuts. What? The Cranks will not be celebrating the holidays? How inconsiderate does one need to try and take one’s wife on a cruise? The eventual bonding between neighbors does nothing to restore any sense of wholesomeness to this love song to Christmas hams, unchecked capitalism, and plastic, rooftop snowmen. Then again, what should I have expected from John Grisham and Chris Columbus?

Eight Crazy Nights: If you like crude fart jokes, start here. As a Happy Gilmour fanatic when I was younger and a proud owner of They’re All Gonna Laugh at You, I was predisposed to liking Adam Sandler. Nothing, however, can save this stinker of a film, especially not Sandler’s Opera Man rendition at the film’s conclusion.

Love Actually: Perhaps it’s all the infidelity. Perhaps it’s the Britishness of it (a Brit coming to Wisconsin to bang all the easy chicks? C’mon). Perhaps its because I first saw this movie in the theatre with my family (you can imagine how awkward it was to watch the pornography shoot scene with my mother sitting next to me). Whatever it is, I have never understood the appeal of this movie. Granted, I have only seen it once.

Miracle of 34th Street: This one will get me into trouble, I’m sure, but I have never been able to make it all the way through this one. Gosh, it’s so boring.

My Top Ten List of Christmas Movie (#2-#4)

4. The Muppet Christmas Carol


The second appearance of A Christmas Carol knockoff in my list, The Muppet Christmas Carol has that undeniable charm brought on by puppets doing Dickens. For me, this is the definitive movie adaptation of the Dickens’ classic, perhaps because I’m a firm believe in the dictum that everything’s better with Muppets. (Though I much prefer seeing the narrative play out in a tradition theatre play, complete with Christmas carols sung by the cast and the predictable plea for donations to a food pantry as the audience exits). Kermit can do no wrong as Bob Cratchit and Statler and Waldorf as Jacob and Robert Marley is a nice touch. Is there something slightly creepy about a world in which puppets and humans coexist? Certainly. Fortunately for us, the spirit of the Christmas overcomes it all.

3. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation


Yes, it has it’s strange moments—Chevy Chase dressed in women’s robes stuck in the attic watching old family videos, a sewer backup that results in a methane-fueled explosion, some (perhaps deserved) neighbor terrorizing, charred cat remains, etc.—but there’s no better holiday movie to reminder that however strange your family, you have nothing on the Griswolds.

Best lines:

Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.
Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?
Nora Griswold: Grace!
Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.
Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.
[Bethany shakes her head in confusion]
Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!
Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
Clark: Amen.

Clark: [talking to attractive store clerk] Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?

2. White Christmas

From the theatrical, purposely fabricated war setting of the opening scene to the “Sisters” lip-sync by Kaye and Crosby to the pleasant escapism of a holiday spent at a resort filled with artists and beautiful women (what a dream, huh?), this movie will melt even the hardest Scrooge-heart. Add to that Danny Kaye and Bing Crosby, two of the 50’s best entertainers, and Vera-Ellen, who for my money is one of the best dancers put on film, and you’re left with a holiday staple. There’s little better in this world than falling asleep on your mother’s couch just as Crosby leads the cast in “White Christmas,” and you nod off as the credits roll.

My Top Ten List of Christmas Movies (#5-#7)

(For the criteria used to determine my top ten, see Sunday's post)

7. Scrooged


In the original Christmas Carol, we can feel somewhat insulated from the lesson—not many of us have Scrooge’s money to withhold from the poor, and if the movie started seeking a new cast, many of us would probably make up the peasants snubbed by Scrooge. In Murray’s remake, though, the message seems much more immediate, even if we aren’t network executives. Perhaps it’s the quintessential late-80’s clothing that makes it feel more “current” or the ghosts that make it more scary (who would ever get into a cab with the ghost of Christmas past or share a drink with crusty, Jacob Marley stand-in Lew Hayward?). It’s Murray’s sarcastic humor that sells the creepiness. Murray, the holiday movie genius (his Groundhog Day would also make my list of top Groundhog Day movies). Maybe if The Nightmare Before Christmas had similar comedic relief from all the horror it would have made my list.

But this movie is important (and ranked this high) for its message, a simple message and one we need at Christmas: straighten yourself out or you’ll have some pretty screwed up shit to deal with.

6. Home Alone / Home Alone 2: Lost in New York


Because the two movies are so closely parallel (Young Boy – Parents + Dimwitted Crooks + House Full of Dangerous Things + “Guardian Angel” (Old Man with Shovel/Pigeon Lady) + Eventual Family Reunion Just in Time for Christmas = Movie Gold), I’ve decided to group these two movies together. I’d give the nod to Home Alone 2 for the Talkboy, the New York limo ride, the kick ass hotel suite, but how can I argue with the original? I must admit that nothing puts me in the Christmas mood better than watching to criminals gets their faces continually bashed in by the machinations of a cute eight year old. Perhaps these movies are partly responsible for and helped sparked my generation’s fascination with needless violence. Rockstar Games, thank Macaulay Culkin for all your success.

5. Elf


Will Ferrell can be annoying. Think Ricky Bobby or Phil Weston from Kicking and Screaming. In Elf, however, he creates such an endearing character, you quickly forget that this is the same comedian who frequently strips off his clothes in a cheap attempt at humor. Despite a predictable, maudlin ending, Elf is nearly flawless from the cartoonishly-designed North Pole to the department store fight to the bathroom rendition of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” to my personal favorite moment, his conversation with a fellow mail room worker (in the clip, it starts at 1:03). It’s Ferrell’s full-hearted and earnest portrayal of Buddy the Elf that makes this movie an instant holiday classic.

My Top Ten List of Christmas Movies (#8–#10)

Now that Madison has gotten its first snow accumulation and more and more radio stations are switching over full-time to Christmas carols, I feel comfortable finally posting my Christmas movie top ten. What follows are the films that never fail to put me in that Christmas spirit. Am I missing any? Does your list differ? If so, post your own list in the comments.

Guiding criteria: 1) Movies must take place during the Christmas season or make heavy reference to the holidays in some respect (thus, Hanukkah movies are eligible, though none made my list—sorry Adam Sandler). 2) Movies must foster a sense of Christmas spirit. 3) Movies must be feature-length. (Therefore, you will not find “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” “Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” or “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” though they would all certainly make the list).

I will post three movies a day for the next three days. My number one will come on Wednesday (along with some honorable mentions and my “Stinker List”)

Note: Before you criticize too harshly, my list is more of a personal list based on how significantly each of these movies features in my personal conception of Christmas. In no way am I making the claim that The Santa Clause is superior artisitcally to It’s a Wonderful Life. However, for me, Tim Allen bests Jimmy Stewart in capturing the sense and spirit of Christmas (though Stewart kicks the ass of anything Allen has done with Rear Window). Here's why:

10. It’s a Wonderful Life:

For me, It’s a Wonderful Life is less of a Christmas movie, since I associate it with afternoons spent flipping between the movie on TBS and the football game on Fox while waiting on Thanksgiving dinner. Adding to that, I doubt I’ve ever seen the entire movie in one sitting, and perhaps the entire movie at all. Regardless, it had to make my list for lines like, “What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary.” Also, I feared the retribution I’d receive from neglecting such an American “classic.” What better way to celebrate the Christmas spirit than by watching a suicidal Jimmy Stewart regain his zest for life? I suppose I have to be thankful that the movie didn’t feature one of his poetry recitals.

This movie calls out to the heart in all of us, because we all would like to think that the world would go to shit if we weren’t here.

9. The Santa Clause

What it lacks in overall quality and depth as an edifying film and in artistry in its Disney-slicked production, it makes up for in originality. There’s much to love in settling into the comfort of a nice broken-in pair of slippers and reciting all of Yukon Cornelius’ lines in Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but there is something equally magical in discovering a Christmas movie that doesn’t loosely rip off A Christmas Carol (ala It’s a Wonderful Life). Who doesn’t want a dad who part-times as Santa Claus? Beyond its schmaltziness, it does attempt to address the issue of a father afraid of being usurped and settles on the reassuring conclusion that whatever the difficulties, divorced parents can exist in harmony. Thank you for that, Disney. Now if they only wouldn’t have tried to turn the movie into a franchise…

8. The Polar Express:

As a child of the late 80s and early 90s, The Polar Express is a book entwined with my conception of Christmas. It was my love for the book that me filled me with trepidation about the film adaptation, especially after seeing the glossy, cheap animation in the previews. But for all its deviations from the book (I understand the story needed bulking up) and cheap adventure thrills to entertain the younger audience members (a train on a frozen lake? C’mon!), it’s a very solid Christmas movie, replete with views of the North Pole, new Christmas carols, and a great metaphor in the silver bell. I make no claims about the merits of the filmmaking (though the movie has some deliciously-haunting moments, such as the skipping record in the now-empty toyshop and the view of the department store window pooling light out onto the deserted street as the train glides past, as well as some great blocking). All I can say is it’s entertaining. Too high in the list? Certainly. But for a kid that loved trains and the book version, the movie didn’t have to do too much to win me over.

Key Scene: This heartfelt (if slightly out-of-touch) new Christmas song could put Grinch in a Christmas mood (though one wonders, now that we’ve all been “enlightened” about who really puts the presents under the tree, what the kid will think when there is no Santa to bring him gifts).

Greatest Rapper Alive?

Maybe not. But check this track. It'll get your grandma shaking her ass.

P.S. My apologies on the hip-hop swing this blog has taken. I'll return to poetry soon, and when I do, you'll get a heavy dose of Kay Ryan.

How Can a Mouse Be Dangerous? Like This...

If you've not yet had the pleasure of listening to any of DJ Danger Mouse's musical creations or collaborations (he's responsible for The Grey Album, half of Gnarles Barkley, and the production on Beck's Modern Guilt and The Black Keys' Attack and Release), you've been depriving yourself of some amazing music. For a taste, listen to what he does to Jay-Z's "December 4th."

Here's the original:

None too shabby. However, here's what DJ Danger Mouse (with some assistance from The Beatles) can do with a song of that caliber. Notice the change in emotion. Gone is the over-produced, tacky swell of strings. Gone is the phony bravado to be replaced with something much more heartfelt, organic, and frankly, far superior.

Now Dj Danger Mouse is back with an equally controversial project (as you can imagine, neither Jay-Z nor EMI, who holds the rights to the music of The Beatles, were overjoyed by Danger Mouse's appropriation of their music). This collaboration, which ropes together Sparklehorse and David Lynch, as well as a slew of musicians, is called Dark Night of the Soul, a very appropriate title for a very dark album. However, it's also very good. Before it descends into gothic rock, the first few songs indicate that Danger Mouse has not left behind the influence of The Beatles nor of The Beach Boys. At times creepy, at times depressing, but always inspired, you can find the entire CD streaming at NPR here:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=104129585

However, due to some legal issues, the CD has not yet been released, unfortunately. Here's the second and third tracks of the album (two of my personal favorites). The first features Gruff Rhys of The Super Furry Animals and is called, "Just War." The second is "Jaykub" and features Jason Lytle.